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Thoughts from the Valley

The Struggle: God, what are you doing? Have you forgotten me? Why don't I feel you near when I am in so much pain? You are my God and so I cry out to you day and night but you are silent, so I have no peace. Yet...
I know you are are worthy of all praise. I've heard and seen you move in times now past—times of similar pain when you saved me because I put my trust in you. You didn't let me down then....
And now? The world looks at me and scoffs, they shake their heads in disbelief, they ask me how it is that God would reject those he delights in? I am nothing. And yet... You made me, God. By your will I was conceived and nurtured by my family. I have known you all my life because of them and they taught me to call on you. So here I am; come near me, for you alone can save me from the mess I'm in. I am surrounded and there is no way out—my life is on the line. I am empty—there is nothing left in me. I'm broken and I've lost all heart to go on. I'm p…


There is a place of silence,
where words fail.
An awe-inspiring place
the depth of humanness
in a passionate embrace
the depth of God.

There is both life and death
in this place.
The death of self,
making way,
to the birth
of the new.

Here, it is painful to beget God
to let
beget you.

This labour of birthing extends
into worlds beyond words,
beyond images,
beyond emotion
to the horizon where the eternal realms begin.

no morality can fathom
no altruism can compare with
the sacrifice of love,
where blood gushes out
till there is no more to shed;
where guts are wrenched;
piercing scars are inflicted
upon a pierced soul
screams out a piercing scream
into the skies,
“Why have you forsaken me, God?”



Life returns,
*God intervenes*

The inheritance of the saints,
by the Great Amen

Part 2: My Journey through Post Partum Depression

It is the prison without walls, bars, or guards, where the prisoners self-regulate their own captivity.

Though it wasn't a barrier for me prior to getting help, as I sat in that lonely narrow room in the psyche ward, as reality hit home, it started to rear its ugly head.

Endurance Day

“If he wasn't a gym teacher, he was going to be a doctor,” my fifth grade teacher said as I sat with the two men in the PE office. He was trying to make me feel better. But as tears streamed down my face and my palms and knees burned fiery hot, I did not feel better.

It was “endurance day”. We were instructed that the class would be over when we completed running five full laps around the outside of the school and its play yard. I hated endurance day. My lanky limbs grew fast but were quite late syncing into graceful harmony with the rest of my body. It was a day of shame for me, for I knew I would be among the last runners to complete the task. Indeed it was my only goal to not be the last one to cross the finish line.

But my shame was to be of a different sort this endurance day.

I was panting already, as I began my second lap. I had watched most of the boys and over half of the girls sail past me, running with enthusiastic energy. Some were beginning to lap me already as I push…

My Journey through Post Par-tum Depression: Part I

I have done my best to avoid speaking about this recent journey I have been on. But I gave my gift with words to the Holy Spirit awhile ago and therefore I know I have a responsibility to express the things He moves me to. So here goes sweet Holy Spirit, take over.

On February 1st 2017 I was nervous about the intake interview I had volunteered to be part of to qualify for group therapy at the HSC. Months before my baby boy was born, I knew that I must be ready for the possibility of post par-tum depression (PPD). According to the numbers, women who have had depression in the past and have experienced complications during pregnancy and childbirth were more susceptible to get PPD.

Well by the end of labour and delivery, I had checked off all three categories.

I was in a lot of physical pain.
I was angry.
I was struggling to connect with my newborn.
I was sad all the time.
I was anxious all the time, constantly afraid that something was wrong with my child.
I was constantly thinking tha…

Restorer of Innocence: The Faith of Jesus

Jesus IS purity.

Apart from Him, purity is mere morality.

And I don't need to be a Christ-follower to be moral: Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, Jews, and even atheists, all have a sense of morality, have sets of codes, have some form of the laws . . .

But Jesus IS purity.

He is Holiness.

He is Holy.

And by the sacrifice of His blood, He makes me pure. He makes you pure.

His purity is so much more than abstinence from pre-marital sex, from narcotics, from hedonism.

His purity is so much more than adherence to modesty, a code of ethics, altruism.

Jesus' purity restores. 

He restores me enables me to stand before the Holy of Holiness - God Almighty.

His purity sets me free from disillusionment, and despair; jaded hearts, He crowns with JOY.

His purity empowers me to believe again.

His pure faith restores me to the innocence of being a child of God; of being one with my Father and the sweet Spirit.

His purity sets me free to dream again. . .

Love Always Believes: The Faith of Jesus

Jesus doesn't believe like me, or anyone I've ever met. That's one of the many reasons that makes Him forever special in my heart.

In my walk with Him, whenever He sees a valley in my soul, a place wanting growth, a place needing change, He NEVER goes on and on about how I have missed it. He never talks about all the things I could have been or should have been.

He never operates in disappointment with me. 

He told me once that He is Truth and as such, He knows everything about me, which makes it impossible for Him to be disappointed in me. Figure that one out!

But that truth set me free. It made me take a closer look at the Lord, at the God-head and really understand what Isaiah realised.

8“ and myFor my thoughts are not your thoughts,    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your and my
thoughts than your thoughts.(Isaiah 55, NIV) 

Jesus always believes in me, even when sin is scream…